Independence refers to the capacity of being self-sufficient or taking care of oneself. It helps individuals to function with autonomy without the help of caregivers as adults. While independence is necessary, there are some cases where this independence is taken to extremes. Some individuals can be so independent that they are unwilling to ask for help despite having too many tasks to handle on their own. This condition, known as hyper-independence, is often considered a trauma response and can affect one’s mental well-being.
What is Hyper-independence?
Hyper-independence is an extreme insistence on autonomy that makes an individual unable to depend on others. This can manifest as intense discomfort when having to ask for help, even when they clearly need it. Although not every individual who exhibits hyper-independence has experienced trauma, this condition is often a result of adverse experiences in life, including neglect and attachment difficulties.
Hyper-independence can be a trauma response for various reasons. For example, some hyper-independent individuals may have been told at a young age that needing help or receiving support is unacceptable. Past neglect by parents or caregivers may also make these individuals carry the notion that they can only rely on themselves, and there is no point in seeking support from others.
If an individual has suffered abuse or hurtful experiences in the past, which cause them to place mistrust in others, they can feel unsafe asking for help, as they tend to associate the concept of relying on others with the possibility of getting hurt again. Many trauma survivors can also develop hyper-independence as a coping mechanism, as a means of regaining their control in an uncertain environment.
Signs of Hyper-independence
Although it can be mistaken for self-reliance, there are several signs that indicate an individual is having hyper-independence:
Over-committing to work or projects
Hyper-independent individuals tend to overcommit to work or personal projects. They may agree to take on various responsibilities despite knowing that their plates are full.
Refusing to delegate tasks
The trauma of not being able to rely on their parents or caregivers at a young age makes it difficult for hyper-independent individuals to delegate tasks. Trust issues can also cause them to fear that others will betray or disappoint them, and they may end up choosing to complete the tasks themselves.
Struggling to maintain relationships
Individuals who are hyper-independent may struggle to open up and let other people in their personal lives. They prefer being alone and are reluctant to build deep, meaningful relationships for fear of being disappointed.
Constantly experiencing stress or anxiety
Since hyper-independent individuals struggle with asking for help when they need it, they end up taking more than they can handle. This eventually leads to stress or burnout symptoms.
Disliking neediness
Aside from not wanting to rely on others, people with hyper-independence also dislike other people displaying neediness. Some individuals may believe that depending on others leads to disappointment. This might make them feel uncomfortable when others rely on them.
How to Heal from Hyper-independence
If you feel that you are experiencing these signs of hyper-independence, it is important to know that it is not a permanent condition. Realising you need help is the first step toward healing and improving your mental well-being. A trauma therapist can work with you to recommend a treatment plan tailored to your specific condition, addressing your hyper-independence and helping you recover emotionally and physically.
Letting go of perfectionism
Your trauma therapist may assist you in addressing your perfectionism, which is often associated with hyper-independent tendencies. When you uphold unrealistic standards for yourself, it is easy to be overly perfectionistic and refuse to ask for help. Over time, you can learn to practice self-compassion and not be afraid to ask for help or delegate tasks.
Making a habit of asking for help
For hyper-independent individuals, asking for help may not be a simple task. A trauma therapist can give you a perspective on the cost of not asking for help and how it weighs you down mentally. You will also be taught that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, and help is indeed available now in your adult life, even if you could not ask for help when you were young.
Getting help from therapy
There are various therapy techniques available to address hyper-independence. Your trauma therapist may assess your condition and advise on a suitable type, which may include:
- Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing (EMDR): Designed to help alleviate stress caused by traumatic memories, this therapy technique involves guided eye movements, tapping, or auditory tones to help reframe traumatic experiences and build healthier responses.
- Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT): CBT helps you be aware of the negative thoughts that cause your hyper-independent behaviour. Your therapist will guide you to replace these thoughts with healthier ones, enabling you to manage the emotional impact of trauma and have a fresher outlook on self-reliance.
- Somatic Therapy: Combining physical techniques and mind-body exercises, somatic therapy helps to release concealed stress, tension, and trauma, which can help improve your well-being and ease your hyper-independence.
- Brainspotting therapy: This treatment uses focused eye positions to access deeply stored traumatic memories you may not realise you have, guiding you to release them.
Managing Hyper-independence with a Trauma Therapist
Hyper-independence is a trauma response that hinders you from living life to the fullest and forming meaningful relationships. Remember that it is normal to encounter challenges that cannot be tackled on your own, and there is no harm in asking for help.
At New Leaf, we provide a safe and supportive environment to help you manage your trauma, guiding you on the path forward toward healing. Our trauma therapists in Singapore are here to help you find inner peace and emotional stability without the constant need to rely on yourself. Get in touch with us to book your session today.
References
Marschall, A. (2022) Hyper-Independence and Trauma: What’s the Connection? Verywell Mind. Available at: https://www.verywellmind.com/hyper-independence-and-trauma-5524773
